This weekend was a bit maddening while watching three 8-year-olds on a sleepover and doing all things fun for April Fools Day or as we have dubbed it Prankapalosa. Was daunting yet fun for some reason my Sunday night got long and troublesome and I had a million crazy dreams. I haven’t had a drink in almost 9 months and I Sunday night I started having dreams of drinking mixed with dreams of ex-girlfriends from the past all things that I have tried to put behind me, they all came back beating me up in my dreams. This woke me up at around 3 AM but eventually I was able to get back to sleep.
I got back to sleep and was able to be at work around 8 AM which is my normal time yet seems like a full day ahead of most people working at a startup. When I walked in I just got a strange vibe with several of the leadership team that usually weren’t in the office until well after 9 AM were there. At this time you may have figured it out, yup we had to let people go. I have seen it happen in small batches before but this was the first time I have seen so much of a company get cut. I said goodbye to some great friends I have made over the last year and I will miss them. After working in this industry so long I do understand its a small world and when you have worked with talented people you will see them again, but I just can’t help to have to reflect on them all.
Tonight I find myself not sleeping again at 3 AM and wondering about my friends. Pushing out their contact information to other friends I have and writing recommendations. I haven’t been able to dream tonight but believe it or not I wish my head was filled with ex’s and partying and not the tremendous amounts of worry about the road ahead for my friends and their families. I have always had a very active mind that could keep me up at night for different reasons but tonight is different and I really don’t know what to do except write it down and get it out of my head.
Tomorrow will be another day that this big blue marble spins around a giant ball of gas and we will keep pushing ourselves down roads of concrete and steel to our ant hills… But until then I am going to try and close my eyes now and gets some sleep.
I wish I could find a way to blog about this and not piss people off. Years ago two good friends and I were at dinner and we found ourselves dropping f-bombs just about every other word in the conversation. We were all in the Marines together and at that table we decided to try and not use the word fuck in the rest of our conversation that night. I don’t think it was a full 2 minutes and we were already right back into using it in every form imaginable. When I look back at that conversation it wasn’t the fact that the word fuck was being using, it was how often we used it. We were using the word as a crutch and had gotten lazy with our conversations.
As time has gone on, I have changed my mind about any word being “bad”. I don’t put a value on words and its madness for us to continue with the idea that a word can be bad. If you really want to take the value away from a word don’t make it forbidden let it be used. Most Americans think that the image of Muhammad be so sacred that it can’t be drawn and challenge this as being aginst our freedom of speech. Yet we frown upon the usage of curse words or derogatory words that have been used as slurs in the past.
I can’t say if I have thought this through all of the ways maybe I am not thinking about it deep enough. But I believe most people maybe thinking too much about it and letting words hurt them because someone else put a value on the words. They take that associated value and let it drive a hatred of a word and then take the attention off of other more important topics and not just a couple of letters strung together to make a sound. Are we really fans of freedom of speech or are do we have a bunch of Muhammad type rules in our common vocabulary that we refuse to acknowledge?
90 days of recovery is what they say is needed when you are working on sobriety. I am not sure where this 90 days number was thought of but seems good to me and I am not going to question it. I only know about this 90 days rule, because a good friend of mine has decided to attend meetings on his own accord without being forced into the system by the courts or others. I will leave his name out of this, but I have to admit I really proud of him for seeing out the last couple of days. My friends all drink at some level or another, but this guy is one of the worst. My worry for him had been growing over the last couple of months but I hadn’t given him any major grief on it.
If you want to change things you have got to get out of your comfort zone. Drinking alcohol doesn’t start off as a problem, but it begins getting people out of their normal comfort zones it allows you to release some inhibitions and step outside of yourself a bit. You start drinking and you forget the problems of the world that are bothering you and this becomes your comfort zone. When the drinking becomes your comfort zone this is alcoholism and what your life has become. This is where the 90 days comes into play no matter how stupid you think things are or redundant the meetings maybe, you are trying to break out of this alcohol induced comfort zone you built over time. Coming to that understanding and breaking out of that zone is what the program is trying to establish. Then hopefully you have a new comfort zone, one of just being the normal you that is back to dealing with the issues we all have in this world and not trying to put it in the bottle that is trying to kill you.
You, my friend, are one of the reasons I am working on my side projects again. You having the guts to step out of your comfort zone and build a new comfort zone is inspirational and you are doing a great thing. Keep with it man and by seeing you keep with it I hope it inspires others to push their limits as well. Take care and I hope this finds you well.